What It's Like to Die

I strain to hold my breath, thrashing with hollow fervor to be delivered from the watery gallows.  In futility I wish for another chance, to take back that last move, to do things differently.  I struggle harder and harder to preserve my lungful of air.  I don’t know why.  Nobody will find me.  No matter how long I last…

Finally I…just let go.  The water rushes into my lungs, but it’s a bizarre relief to stop fighting.  The pressure is heavy in my chest, and I’m entranced by the surreal and fleeting sight of my last breath, floating away in delicate bubbles.  As I come to terms with the blue twilight, visceral sensations of temperature, pressure, and weight gently lose meaning.

As though by an unseen director, memories begin to swirl and flash like a runaway slide show.  The visions are tattered and faded, but the feelings are all too vivid, overwhelming me with haunting nostalgia.

The unbridled thrill of my first drive.
The embellished sorrow of my first failed test.
The bitter sweetness of a lover’s last kiss.

Even memories that didn’t mean that much.

The height contests on the swing set.
The reverberation of slamming locker doors.
The mediocre movie last week.

Time grows thick and numb as the images and voices swirl faster and faster, coalescing into an unsettling haze of dissonant emotion.

Finally, when it all seems too much to bear,
the world.
dissolves.


away.